Friday, February 27, 2009

With Source as My Witness...

Now that I have given myself permission to write, having been given the space and time in which to do it, I am finding that I am overflowing with words, bleeding them, sweating them, blowing my nose with them. They are coming from everywhere and flowing through me. Not only have I posted (with this one) 4 entries in less than 24 hours, I have also started 3 long posts in a separate word document and made notes for a few others in my journal. I've also written at least 10 pages in my journal.

I have always wanted to be a writer. This is a very important part of my overall vision for myself and my life. Up until now, it seemed... what would I have to say?? Who would want to listen to me? How could my words affect anybody? The thought of writing was beyond intimidating because I could never imagine what it was I would write about, how to organize it, how to put it together, how to carry it through. Lately, since Christmas, I've been secretly nurturing the idea of earning my living from my blog. So ironic that it was my old blog that forced my hand and started to move me away from my old job.

At Christmas time, I spent some time working on my goals and visions for my life, and I established without question that the single most important aspect of my life was my job. It was the slab and foundation that held up the pyramid of my existence. It was also the all-consuming tyrant that sucked up all of my existence. I allowed it to. I felt it was right. But my job consumed me until there was nothing left.

I had an energy healing yesterday, which was amazing. He found so many cords and attachments and people from my work who were grounding through me - at least 30-40 people. My own energy was squashed and depleted and covered up. And I did this. I did it by allowing my work to be more important than myself.

And here's how I did that: I made a simple mistake, a mistake so many of us make (ironic that I made the mistake working in a supposedly "spiritual" environment). I forgot that God is my Source, and instead I made source my god. I sacrificed and gave all to what I mistakenly and foolishly thought was the origin of my source, my resource, and my means of survival. Establishing my job as my foundation was my first error. My job is not my means of survival - God (or whatever you like to call the Divine IT) is my means of survival. What's more, it's only through our connection to God that we EVER can THRIVE. A job may provide me with enough to survive, but it will always require me to chase it, to work for it. God is my Source, and through Source I thrive. So therefore, God must be my foundation. I must start and end with God, and then I will never have to chase anything. Doesn't mean I'll be rich, doesn't mean I'll never get sick, doesn't mean I'll never make another big, dumb, stupid mistake. It just means: God is my Source, and through Source I thrive.

I made source (small s, human-scale crap) my god (small g, human-scale idols and icons). I worshiped my job, and I looked to my job to support me - to bolster my ego (human-scale crap), to satisfy my creative longings. I wanted everybody there to think I was so good, so strong, so spiritual, so creative, so beautiful. When we turn to human-scale crap to support us - it can't handle it. One small 2x4 cannot support a whole house made of 2x4's, if you know what I mean. And when we do this, we put on a mask and layers and layers of identity that say "I am this, I am this, I am this," all of which are false, and yet when we take off those layers we see that we actually do look exactly the way we were trying to present ourselves. We really are that beautiful, that good, that strong, that spiritual, that creative. It's like putting layer upon layer upon layer of "natural skin" makeup on top of already flawless, perfect skin. There is no point. So I turned to my job for all my validation, and in that process allowed myself to fall further and further away from my awareness of God and away from my awareness of myself.

So with God as my witness, and with God as my Source, I let these words flow. Through me, not from me. I'm just the channel, at best.

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