Friday, March 27, 2009

Another Energy Healing

I had another session with my energy healer today. It was blow-your-socks-off intense. He kept apologizing afterwards, saying he may have gone too far, but since I was doing such a good job of it, why not keep going? Fine by me, that's how I go too.

So after my session, I was wiped out but exhilarated, and now it's almost 1am and I can't sleep. I'm so full of ideas and inspirations. Trying to figure out what I want, and I think I caught a glimpse of it.

A few years ago, I worked for a summer as a raw food chef at a fairly famous raw food retreat. It was an amazing experience, not the least for the fact that I was able to learn a lot about being in a retreat environment. I loved a lot about it, and I had a lot of things that I personally needed to do differently. Since it wasn't my retreat, nothing I could do about those things I needed done differently, so I left.

Tossing and turning tonight, I saw it: my retreat. That's what I want for myself, why not make it for others? A retreat that would combine everything I love: raw food (80-10-10 style, mind you!), yoga, art, music, creativity, meditation, the outdoors, small groups of people gathered for a purpose, camping, hiking, advising, intuitive learning, spiritual growth. The whole bit. All I need for it is a small piece of land! I've wanted this for years. And years. I've glimpsed it in many different configurations, but this is it. Now is the time, and this is the place. It's not just possible. Something might just be being born...

Working at Play

Today's entry may veer into ranting territory, and if it does, I apologize in advance. I'm trying to avoid ranting and trying to stay on the clean edge of my experience, but I am working through something difficult, and I need some help. I welcome and invite comments and insights.

I have a great friend who is a social butterfly. An Intergalactic Pixie, if you will. She is one of the most delightful people I've ever met, and she moves through the world encountering only friends. She knows how to have fun, and relishes doing it. No crowd is too loud, no party too hearty - she flutters in, sprinkles some pixie dust, and flutters out, usually with a few business cards in her pocket of the people she's just met. I'm very blessed to have this friend, and especially blessed that she invites me to join her. I WANT TO!!!

And I don't want to. I am so torn, to the point of rent in two, when it comes to the big, bad dilemma of "Going Out." I have a laundry list of reasons why I can't go out. I actually have a list of 40+ different things that I believe I "need" in order to be able to go out. The list ranges from "I need to eat 'normal' food" all the way to "I need to have the right clothes and accessories" and "I need to know the right places to go." I believe everything from "I need to be invited" all the way to "I need to go out by myself." The ideas are conflicting and contradictory, and while I know, intellectually, that none of them are empirically true, I believe that every single one of them is intrinsically true to my experience.

I'm not agoraphobic, although since losing my job I have spent a great deal of time looking at the world through the viewpoint of my bed, via my computer screen. When I leave the house, my favorite things to do are to go on long walks in the park, to meet friends for lunch, to meet friends for juice, to go to Whole Foods or a coffeehouse (and work on my computer or write in my journal), or to meet up with small groups of friends along with my BF. I love to go out in nature with my BF - we love to go hiking and riding his motorcycle or on a car trip; in the summer we go to the pool. We're very much daytime-hours people. Most of my going out happens during the day.

But I LOVE getting dressed up and going out. I love it. I love going dancing, I just hate crowds and I hate paying a cover and I hate the club scene. I just want to dance to good music. I love seeing live music, if it's good, and not too loud, and not boring cock-rock. I love doing things that are completely absurd, like dressing up in costume for no reason and being in character. It's easier for me to go out in character. But I also love doing hippie things like dancing around a fire. I love going camping. And I love art and theater and all that good stuff.

But when it comes to going out these days, when the call (or text or email invite comes through) I freeze. I absolutely freeze. So much on top of it, the innocent invitation turns into a horrific task, and then what if I don't have a good time on top of it? I can stay home and read and write and learn and have so much fun, even if I'm not interacting with people. But I need people.

Do you see the dilemma? Do you see how it has me torn? I'm such a workaholic - I'm the most workaholic unemployed person you've ever met. Even now, when I'm supposed to be taking a sabbatical to regain my creativity, I have fallen into a workaholic trap of trying to get someone else's project off the ground and feeling like I have to push-push-push to get my own projects off the ground. I haven't done any creative exploration, nor have I done any social interaction (ok, I've done a tiny bit. A teeny-tiny bit.) - I've been working. Because I don't know how to play.

It's exhausting. I want to be an Intergalactic Pixie, too.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

More Work

Moving through life through the filter of The Work can cause some pretty incredible awakenings. One of the things Katie says is, whenever you lose something, you can be sure that "you've been spared." Oh, how I love that!!! I can look back at my old life, and rather than feeling this huge hit of a loss, instead I feel this huge joy and love, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been SPARED. All of the things in my old life that were causing me distress and unhappiness - I have been spared. Not that I will never have unhappiness and distress in my life again, but I won't have those. I don't need to deal with those things now. How do I know? Because I've been spared.

I've got other things to do! It's incredible. I'm the most workaholic unemployed person you'll ever meet. I've been working so much. Non-stop. I love it. I'm having so much fun.

I've been noticing an amazing thing in my life lately. I used to never smile. I used to be quite an angry driver. The littlest things would set me off. I was easily angered, although I wasn't "angry." And now, I move through the world with a smile on my face. I can't help it. I go out of my way to make eye contact and smile at people I normally may have avoided. I love smiling at homeless people, at laborers, at random people as I move around the world. It's really exciting to smile at people, and the best thing is when they smile back. It's so cool. And it's not like I'm even TRYING to smile. I just am. I'm just happy. All the time. I might get annoyed for half a second while I'm trying to get online and my wifi is slow, but then I laugh and smile at myself and enjoy the joke - it's so funny that something like slow wifi could ever be a problem.

And then, right on cue, a friend sent me a text - in the middle of this perfect day, a package of goodies arrived at home! Wow! So many choices of amazing blessings, which one to do next? I love it. We've always got so much more than we ever need.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Doing What's Next...

"Doing what's next, without a mental argument, is devotion to God."


I love Byron Katie, I love The Work, and I love "A Thousand Names for Joy," the book she wrote with Stephen Mitchell, her husband. It's so powerful, all this stuff, and the more you follow it, the more incredible it gets. So to get to THAT point, to just do what's next, without a mental argument - that's being present. That's being awake. She describes it as "doing the dishes." If the thought arises to do the dishes, you follow the thought. Or you don't. But you don't need to ARGUE with it.

For example, I read that quote, and immediately knew that I wanted to write about it. The thought came up "put that in your blog!" and I thought, "I should do that now." But I noticed instead that I wasn't. What I did was to finish the chapter, and then I easily put the book down and then I wrote about it. Had I kept going back to the "I should do that now" thought while I was reading the rest of the chapter would have kept me from my purpose: to read the chapter. I can have all kinds of ideas about what's next, but until I am doing it, I have no idea what will happen next, and if I argue and debate over what to do next, then I lose.

This has been the theme of my weekend, and I am so glad - AMAZED! even - that here at the end of the weekend I have been handed this gorgeous quote to give me some completion to the lesson.

It's been a big, crazy party-party weekend here in my city. A huge music and film festival has been upon us for the past week, and it's kind of expected that you will go to the free events of the festival and, you know, participate! BF and I had plans to read up on it, make a plan, and get out and go out (we don't go out much; we like to go to bed early and be out during the day), and then suddenly he had to leave town. Defiantly, I boasted to him that I was going to "go out and have fun without you! ha-HA!" But when the time came to go out and have "fun," I had other things I really preferred to be doing, circumstances that made "fun" seem a little not-so-fun. My new, overwhelming exercise routine exhausted me and made walking for hours and standing for hours a little less than preferable. My inspiration to work on my own projects made leaving the house for other purposes seem like a distraction. Essentially, Reality was handing me a nice, normal, quiet weekend at home, while Expectation was taking me out on the town 24-7.

I argued mentally with Reality the whole time. "I should go out." "Everyone is expecting me to go out." "If I don't go out, I'm just a big, dumb loser who doesn't know how to have fun and I totally suck." "I don't have any friends." "I'm lame." Etc. And as Katie says, "when I argue with Reality, I lose. But only all the time." And I kept that argument up! I spent 2 1/2 days arguing with my reality, justifying my reality, making excuses for what I was doing and not doing, and in a lot of ways, I completely missed out on the miracles and amazing experiences that were happening in my life, in my Reality. Reality doesn't change when we argue with it; Reality only changes when it changes.

For example, there were outdoor concerts going on. I had the expectation that I would go to these concerts, because I "should!" Excellent bands, free, not very far from my house so I could walk and not have to park the car, show's over early so not even that late a night. Sounds great! My Story: my legs were in no condition to walk the 2 miles each way and to stand for an hour or so during the show. I wanted to have my dinner, at home, during the peak time of the show, 7pm. I hate crowds when I'm by myself. I could hear the show from my open door. So the expectation and the story battled it out, ferociously, while Reality just continued along in the foreground. I walked as far as my legs could take me. Each time, a friend intervened at just the right moment and gave me direction to turn around and go home. I had exactly what I had for dinner at exactly the right moment. I spent my evening listening with delight to the music coming from my young neighbors in town for the festival (they went out very late, so they kept me entertained until they left!) and working on projects that I enjoyed. With the arguments raging, this seemed like an inadequate way to spend my festival weekend. Without the arguments, it's pretty nice.

As I was walking home yesterday evening, a neighbor around the corner smiled and we said hello. "Enjoying the music?" he asked. I waited for the words to form, and I said, "I'm enjoying not enjoying the music!" He laughed and said he knew exactly what I meant, and we passed a few pleasant words about the virtues of staying away from the crowds. He gave me that moment of validation - that it was OK not to be in festival mode - but I didn't need it. Of course it's OK not to be in festival mode! How could it be anything but OK? It's been perfectly wonderful.

I've been to the park, I've ridden my bike, I've chatted with my neighbors and spent time with a good friend. I've done my laundry and washed (most of) my dishes. I've eaten my good food and enjoyed a few treats. I've received more emails than I can count and participated in my online forum. I've exercised and taken long walks. I've stayed up till 1am writing a business plan that felt as much fun as playing with Barbie's fun house and making up worlds of imagination and seeing its reality as clear as if it were directly in front of me today, all the way down to the colors on the walls. I've made some vlogs and gone to the coffeehouse and took a quick trip across town to upload them at Kinko's. I've petted the kitties and turned the compost. I've slept like a queen. And tonight I even went out with a friend and saw some music, which happened to be amazing (Katzenjammer Kabarett, from Norway. love.), so I DID go to the festival after all! Really, what more could a weekend ask for? Reality is so amazing, it always gives us so much more than we realize, but never more than we can handle.

So the trick, I think I'm learning, is to simply stop arguing with Reality. I will sit here writing this blog until I stop, and it is useless to try and predict when that is going to happen or what else I may do, or what I'm going to do afterwards, or what will make me stop. Will I stop because I'm done, or will I have to get up and go to the bathroom? Maybe I'll get a glass of water, or perhaps I'll suddenly have an urge to clip my toenails. Who could have predicted that itch on my head I just scratched? It's amazing. And it's useless to argue with it. I will do exactly what I am doing until I am doing something else.

That doesn't mean it's not a good idea to make plans or to have ideas of things you would like to do or even "need" to do - I need to wash the dishes, but I'm not going to wash them until I do, and harassing and berating myself while I am doing something else may be fun and entertaining, but it is neither getting the dishes done nor is it adding to the other activity I'm doing. Stay with Reality. Have the thought "I need to do the dishes," and then notice when Reality schedules it for you. Reality is so kind - it always gives us what we need when we need it.

I beleive that Experience is kind as well. Katie doesn't talk much about experience, but I think it's in there. Experience is kind in that I know from my Experience that the dishes will get done. I trust that they will get done because they always have gotten done before. It may be right away, it may be later, but it will happen. So I trust Experience to carry me gently through Reality, giving me reference points for everything I see around me, and adding to my Experience database. Yes, Experience is kind. It's kind of like my "Navi-guessor."

Friday, March 20, 2009

Working Through

I've lately been indulging myself in the luxury of watching Byron Katie's Youtube videos. Last night I discovered some new ones, which was a total treat. I love watching the ones I've already seen, watching them over and over. The Work is so huge. I love it.

I started doing The Work last year in an earnest effort to get myself out of a really difficult place. Initially, the difficulty was an infatuation that never came to fruition. At the time, I had been single for 8 long years. I didn't want to be single anymore, and I tended to greet all new men in my life with a hint of desperation and greed, because they "had to be the one!" Each one simply had to, because it just wasn't possible for it to continue the way it was. Doing the work allowed me to see that not only was it possible for things to continue the way they were, but that there was nothing I could do about it. It also helped me see that I absolutely don't need to be in a relationship, that I don't need anybody to be "The One," and that truly I am the only one I've been waiting for. I reached this place and was able to find a comfortable friendship with this man I was infatuated with, and I was able to maintain my truth that I don't need anybody in a relationship. And then I met my current BF.

When we met, I was in this glorious place of knowing I didn't need him. And now, 7 months later, I am still in this glorious place of knowing that I don't need him. He is the most wonderful man, and I am overflowing with gratitude to have him in my life, and I don't need him. It is so much easier to love someone when you don't think you have to need them.

He doesn't stay at my house every night, and in fact he is going back to his hometown tonight for the weekend (he semi-commutes). Yesterday morning, he was here, and I woke up and rolled over and wrapped myself around him and had an ecstasy of prayer of thankfulness that he was here and enjoyed the deliciousness of breathing with him while he still slept. This morning, he was not here, and I woke up and stretched out and had an ecstasy of prayer of thankfulness that I was alone. I could make a list as long as my arm of how wonderful it is to have him here, and a list equally as long about how wonderful it is to have him away. Both are wonderful, neither is better, I am at Neutral. This is how The Work has helped me have the best relationship of my life.

If he were to leave me and end our relationship, I would, of course, be heartbroken. To quote E.M. Forster, "It isn't possible to love and to part. You will wish that it was... You cannot pull it out of you. I know from experience that the poets are right - Love is Eternal." So if he were to decide that our relationship wasn't working for him and end it, I would most likely be in an ecstasy of sadness, and then, like my experience now with my job I have lost, I would know that he was leaving me so that both of our lives could be even better.

In my life, I have lost so much. I have lost jobs, lovers, friends, family, and pets. I've lost possessions. Each loss has been a hit, and before I knew how to be neutral, before I knew how to do The Work, a loss could be devastating. Devastating in the way that Katie would say, "the world will tell you that you are right," in my grief, in my sorrow. When we experience loss, the world wants us to get upset, really upset, and then do one of two things: get revenge, or get over it. But here's what my experience tells me: I cannot lose anything, because I never had anything. The only thing I "have" is that which I am, which is love. So these things I have lost, these people I have lost - they aren't lost because I still love them! And love always comes back. It always comes back. Maybe it comes back in different forms, maybe it comes back in different ways, but love always comes back. I love all of my ex-boyfriends, whether they know it or not. They are still in my heart, and I can visit with them whenever I want to. So could I do with this beloved BF. Each boyfriend in my life is simply bringing my love back to me. This is the gift of The Work.

There's only one place that I have not been able to use The Work to penetrate, and that is dealing with people I clash with at work. I've tried. I've done pages and pages of worksheets. My last line of work brought me into direct conflict with some of the most difficult personality clashes I've ever experienced (far more difficult than any clashes in a corporate environment, which is ironic). The best I was able to get to using The Work is to just see them as OK, not my problem, and yet being in their presence would still cause me stress (and I know that I caused them stress as well; a conflict takes 2 sides, and I engaged). I'm thankful to be out of the "arena," so to speak, but I know that I'm not done with this kind of Work, and I'm going to have to deal with it again. I can do it, intellectually, I think, but I see this as a huge challenge. Some hard Work ahead.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


When I lost my job and got started on this new adventure, one thing that my BF kept saying was "you need to learn how to take care of yourself!" I was, and am, very good at taking care of other people. I'm very interested in taking care of other people, taking care of business, etc., and less interested in taking care of myself. Who would notice?

But of course, taking care of myself is the same thing as taking care of others, because we are all the same. That doesn't mean taking care of myself at your expense - taking food or clothing or resources away from someone else so that I can have what I want doesn't thrill me, and that's why I choose to live as simply as I can.

But what I have been learning is this: until you KNOW that you are taken care of, it is very difficult to take care of yourself. At least, for me it is. Until I knew I had my financial support taken care of, it was difficult for me to relax into being able to take care of myself and do what was right for me. Knowing that I have that now, I am able to.

And I think that it goes back to who I was as a child. I was MONSTROUSLY independent. I was so confident that I was taken care of that I had total faith and confidence that I could absolutely take care of myself. I fed myself, I chose (and made) my own clothing, I would walk home from anywhere in town. I was so secure in the knowledge that my life was provided for. But then I got older and suddenly I had to take care of all of those security issues - I had to buy all of my own clothes, any other sort of amenities that I wanted - and I've had a job of some sort since I was 15 years old. Since then, my whole life has been sort of a race to get the money I need in order to survive so I can do the work I want. In college, my parents made a lot of sacrifices and they gave me a credit card that I maxed out - I had that lovely sense of ignorant bliss that you get for those few years of being in your early 20's - but I still worked for my daily needs, and I always felt like I was on the brink. I rode the whole housing bubble and economic expansion with a constant race for support and money. All I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of me so I wouldn't have to work so hard all the time.

And now I have that - for a moment, at least. It's not about traditional values, although I think there is some merit in having one spouse support the other (not that I have a spouse, mind you!). It's more about wanting and needing to feel that support from God. I am the person who has always wanted a grant so that I could do my creative work. And now I kind of have that, and it feels amazing. I feel so blessed. I'm doing my best not to feel like I have to rush out and "do something" with it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

And More Sunshine!

Just when you think life just couldn't get any sweeter, it does. I woke up this morning to more glorious sunshine and I can't wait to get out in it. So beautiful.

I'm doing a lot of gratitude practice these days. It's so simple. Before I get out of bed, I have to list 5 things, quickly, that I am grateful for. Without even thinking, just go, 5 things! This morning's list: boyfriend, bed, sunshine, breath, pillows. But the super-fun thing about this practice is that you can never, ever ever stop at 5! Once you've got those 5 going, they just start to spill out: blankets, sheets, my hair, my skin, muscles, sex, the mangos ripening on the counter, the simple joy of going to the bathroom, licorice toothpaste, my cuppa tea, and everything, all the way down to my toenails. It's just so good. Life is. When you start your day with a gratitude practice and keep it going throughout the day, it's just the best thing ever. You cannot be unhappy when you are in a state of gratitude. Gratitude drives out every negative feeling and every negative thought. It's pure mental sunshine!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009


Although I overslept, because last night I stayed up past 1am, this morning I woke up to radiant, glorious sunshine. How awesome is that?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Breaking the Silence

The past few days have been an odd assortment of being very quiet, very bored, very much overflowing with ideas, and very restless and very busy. It's been raining, cloudy, overcast and cold here - January weather in March - and we just don't do well with that. We do much better here with 100+ and scorching sunshine. I need my sunshine. Can't wait to start working on my tan.

But it has also been an extremely productive past few days. I've been writing so much - articles. Real, honest-to-god articles to be published in a real-honest-to-god printed magazine. This is so exciting. I've never done anything quite like it before, and it thrills me. I'm amazed at how many words I have. Words just seem to spill out. I've been writing for about 4 hours non-stop, maybe more, and it's after midnight and they just keep coming. I've got words for my blog, words for my other blog, words for my friends, words for my family, words for my bf, words for my book, words for my journal, words for my plans and dreams - an endless well of words. It's so incredibly exciting. I never knew I had so much to say. I just open my hands and out they spill.

I have to close my hands in order to get quiet enough to pray. And I've been doing a lot of that lately, too.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

New Possibilities

I am so excited! I'm so happy! Life is an amazing place.

A few days ago, the demons were on my tail, attempting to drag me down and make me feel horrible about myself and my life - they were even whispering in my ear last night. But today, I can quote the amazing Tracy Chapman and say "All you demons go back to Hell! Save my Soul, save my Self..." (Crossroads, what a great song, great album.)

Today, not only do I have lunch scheduled with 2 of the most powerful women I know - a lunch meeting I've been waiting for for 2 whole weeks - but I also finally received the go-ahead and information I needed for a major, major project that I've known about for a few weeks and have been chomping at the bit to get started on.

My biggest character feature, I think, is a rampant streak of impatience. In some circumstances, that comes across as being pro-active and eager and ready to go, and in other cases, it just makes me a great big, bossy, pain in the butt. I have learned how to wait, although I hate it mightily. This whole process over the past 2 weeks has been nothing more than a continued exercise in patience, learning how to strengthen my patience muscles. Learning how not to jump up in a panic and freak out and run out to try and fill the void in my life called "work" with something really unacceptable called "job." Learning how to be calm in the face of not getting what I want at the moment I want it, learning how to sit still in the midst of very uncomfortable circumstances.

This major, major project is something so close to my heart, and I am so incredibly thankful for it. It's a start to something beyond big, beyond powerful. This is a wonderful opportunity. I'm so happy right now.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Faith vs Logic

Last night we watched Bill Maher's "Religulous" - a documentary of sorts about the atrocities and idiocies conducted in the name of religion. Now, it was Bill Maher, so of course it was aggressive and confrontational, but what bothered me the most about it was his attack on faith. He went to people with a strong faith and demanded that they prove their faith, that they back it up with rational logic, historical proofs, etc. He didn't choose the most educated or profound people of faith, certainly not people as quick and clever as he, so they came across as foolish, deluded goons, while he just came across as mean.

The rest of the film continued on in a less confrontational vein, as after his initial attacks, he just kind of settled in and let whoever he was interviewing kind of stick it to themselves, which is always more entertaining and enlightening anyway - it's hard to side with the interviewer when he's being a big fat jerk, right? And I am the first person to come down on the side against "religion." I think "religion" is the biggest waste of time and energy and money and resources, I think "religion" is so divisive and power-hungry, despite the fact that all the major religions are more similar than different, and all the minor religions are just whacked-out fairy tales.

But FAITH! Hold on a second. Faith to me is so important. Obviously, since I've gone through this whole document to talk about God and prayer and all that jazz, gone off on my "I believe in magic and fairies and angels!" tack - how can I be this steady, clear Agnostic with a huge amount of logic rolling around in my head AND be someone who is developing a profound faith? How do those 2 things correlate, and could they withstand a Bill Maher interview?

Here's how I see it: I believe in a Benevolent Intelligence that has created this world we live in, and that Benevolent Intelligence is that which we colloquially call "God." I have no "proof" whatsoever that this God exists, other than in my own wonderment at the incredible beauty and structure that I see in the world around me, and the certainty that I feel in my heart and spirit that this is true. For me. I believe that this God is the energy field, the force field, the glue that holds this all together, and that within this energy field are infinite variations on energy that do not have to be witnessed with the 5 crude senses in order to be experienced. I don't have any honest experience with a "microwave" but I've seen it turn white bread and American cheese into a sticky pile of glue. Same thing with God and with the other energy levels that we call "angels" or "gods" or whatever.

I look at the world through the eyes of someone looking for miracles, and therefore I am able to see miracles happen all the time. Bill Maher is looking at the world through the eyes of someone looking for "mundane coincidences," and so he sees mundane coincidences all the time. It's the same stuff, it just all matters how you choose to call it.

The God I believe in doesn't really care what I do or how I do it. The God I believe in has given us all free will, which means that we have every ability to do things in the most messed up manner we choose to, or we have every ability to do things in the best manner we choose to. I don't believe that God has any intention of destroying the world (coming back for the punishment of Judgment Day), but He has given us the free will that we are welcome to do so if we're stupid enough.

So if God doesn't care, then why do I pray? If God doesn't care, then why would prayers be answered? To me, it comes back to the energy of it all. A prayer creates an energy, which then stirs up other energies, which then enables the fulfillment of the prayer. It doesn't matter to me if it's "God" answering my prayers, or if it's me answering my prayers - was I able to fall asleep the other night because God put me into a trance, or because by praying I was creating a very relaxing energy in my body which then enabled me to sleep? Does it matter? Is it not in truth the same thing? I think it is, I feel it is, I believe it is. I don't need to classify it as one vs the other. I don't need to argue with the logic that supports that God doesn't exist, because God is beyond human logic, as is love and sex and really good food - other really excellent things that I believe in.

Believing in God doesn't mean that I put any faith or stock into the stories written about God. The Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Book of Mormon, Scientology, the Bhagavad Gita, whatever - they have as much truth as Harry Potter. Which means, of course, that they have a lot of Truth. But they've also got a whole lot of fiction and contradiction and all kinds of garbage that makes it just so impossible as a human being to follow. It would be far, far easier to live your life according to Harry Potter, actually. Those books are more consistent. I don't need to believe in or argue about the creation stories (what a waste of energy!), or about the end-of-days stories. I don't need to believe that God requires me to make human sacrifice - of myself or my loved ones - or animal sacrifice or any sort of sacrifice. That to me is totally human garbage.

But there is Devotion. There is Spirituality. There is Divinity. These are the energies that pull us up out of our base natures and into a much better plane of existence. I believe that this is the purpose of human life, and on some level, the purpose of religion. To remind us of what is possible, not to mire us down into what is extremely likely.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Necessity of Silence

Yesterday I was a little quiet in the blogosphere, a little quiet in the head-o-sphere as well. It was necessary, because actually while "I" was quiet in my head, my demons and devils were pursuing me with all of their might, desperately trying to pick a fight, desperately trying to make me do something I would regret later. What I have learned over the past 2 weeks: when being chased by demons and devils, please do not do what they are asking you to do!

How incredibly funny, really, that I could ever think of following the guidance and advice of the thoughts in my head that have my well-being at the very bottom of the heap. And yet I've done it so many times. When I follow those thoughts to their ultimate conclusion, deep down into their rabbit holes where no light or sunshine or God's radiance is visible (though it is there!), all that is visible is the despair, all that is visible is how deep in trouble I've gotten myself. And man, that just sucks.

The demons and devils yesterday were playing this fun game with me: anybody I love (locally) who I haven't heard from in the past oh, say, 15 minutes, or if I've called them or sent them a text or an email and they haven't gotten back to me yet (because they are busy and have lives) and I do mean quite literally in the past 15 minutes, my demons will catch hold of that person's name and love and memory and they will start to torture me with it. "this person hasn't called you back because they don't love you anymore. they have found out the truth of who you are, they've seen right through you, and they don't love you anymore. don't you want to find out if that's true? don't you want to confirm that your worst fears are true? i promise you, if you reach out to them and tell them everything you're feeling right now, they will verify it. they will. that's why they haven't called you back. they want you to go away and leave them alone." Scary, isn't it? It was that kind of energy that made me post the entry that did, in fact, really damage one of my favorite friendships - expressing my worst fears, which had absolutely nothing to do with my deepest experiences.

A few years ago, I was doing some research on narcissism after being exposed to a pretty powerful narcissist (who was such an incredibly important player in my life, who still is. I have a whole novel dancing in my head about this magician. I'm so thankful for everything he's done for me!), and I read that there is a sub-type or a sub-clinical symptom or something like that in the narcissistic personality spectrum in which the personality assumes a degree of "invisibility," as in they don't consider themselves memorable and so they assume that the people around them do not have a thread of connectivity or recognition towards them. They assume that they will be forgotten, and they do not expect that people will recognize or remember them, even after many exchanges, and they do expect that even people who have claimed to love them will forget about them - out of sight, out of mind. This manifests in behaviors like the long-suffering do-gooder (and that would be me), or in the big, puffed-up, attention-seeking-and-hogging classic "narcissist" who is doing everything in his or her power to make sure that they are remembered.

It's taken me a long time to admit that I recognized myself in the description of a narcissist, even in that tiny bit. I do assume that people don't remember me. Over the past few years of living in my new adopted city, I have made more of an effort to connect with the random people I exchange with - my juice guys, my whole foods guys, etc. - as well as with my clients. Being afraid to be forgotten, I have a frighteningly good memory with names and faces, while always keeping my own identity somewhat anonymous. But what this means with my demons and devils is that they torment me by telling me that I will be forgotten. Not just remembered poorly - FORGOTTEN. Out of sight, out of mind, baby. And as a result, I am terrible at staying in touch with long-distance friends, because I assume they have forgotten me. Seriously.

Now, I don't have this misconception to a pathological degree - just to an inconvenient degree. I'm very glad to have seen it, both in that website and in my own behavior, because it has helped me get over it to a very large degree, to the point now where it's pretty laughable. Until I have a day like yesterday, in which there is panic and fear and a sense of loneliness and isolation and not-knowing, and it's not so funny anymore. Or, rather, it's even funnier and I don't get the joke.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I am God's Pet

I think God loves us the way we love our pets. Not even so much the way we love our children or lovers - too many human expectations - but in the way we love our beloved pets. We take care of them and give them their freedom, we don't expect them to behave in any way other than the way they do. With enough love and gentle training, we can teach them to be more like us, but we still understand who they are and we love them so deeply, so unconditionally, with nothing more than fervent and constant devotion.

So if I am like God's little kitty cat - welcome to jump up into His lap and be stroked and petted, with all the water and food I ever need - all I need to do to "earn" this luxury of love and care is to simply be myself. To share myself in the way that makes me happiest is also the way that God loves me the most. Isn't that amazing?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Ordering up a Prayer

Last night, I did an incredible thing. I actually prayed.

After I wrote my post, I fell instantly and outrageously asleep. I slept like a sleeping thing until my phone rang: beloved bf wishing me good night. It was around 11:30, I think. After that, there was no sleep for hours. I was AWAKE. I was as instantly and outrageously awake as I had been asleep only minutes before.

So I got on the computer, I did some writing, sent some emails, tried to sleep. No luck. I got up and read the entire section on India in "Eat, Pray, Love," a book that speaks to me on some very deep levels, most of which are obvious and annoying and I'm so jealous that she did it first and that what I'm doing now is so similar, just without the exotic locations and the cash in hand. But I digress. The section on India is so steeped in prayer, and when I read it, I feel a longing for prayer that is very similar to a longing for sex. And yet I find it so hard to let myself just pray.

Not always. Sometimes in my life I have had a fairly regular and consistent prayer practice, but lately, not so much. But last night, weary and tired at 2:30 in the morning, all I wanted to do was sleep, and all I wanted to do was pray. So, assuming the appropriate supplicant-like position - all stretched out lengthwise like a cat and pressing my belly up against the cool, hard wall next to my bed and burrowing my face into my pillows, I prayed.

In "Eat, Pray, Love," she makes the analogy that prayer and meditation are the 2 sides of the conversation with God: prayer is when you talk, and meditation is when you listen. I really like that, but I get frustrated with that desire for immediacy - the wait that is necessary after you've spoken to God (usually). So the image I conjure builds in the space for the wait. God is my Waiter, I shall not want.

Yesterday, BF and I had dinner at the Lake. A typical kind of grease-and-beer joint that springs up at every Lake, Beach, Shore and Pier in America, with an outdoor seating area overlooking said body of water, ducks and seagulls fighting for the scraps of food that the children don't want (why eat it when it's so much more fun to throw to the ducks?). It was a cloudy, coolish evening, and early in the season, and a season riddled with drought, so the "floating" restaurant was perhaps actually touching ground, sadly. Anyway, it wasn't crowded, it wasn't loud, and they had a veggie burger on the menu. Our handsome young waiter's name was Jeff, and it was his pleasure to serve us.

In my exhausted state, hot belly against cool wall, I went again to that restaurant in my mind, with my lovely BF by my side, and God-as-Jeff came up to the table and asked me what I would like. God-as-Jeff assured me that I could have whatever I wanted; special orders don't upset us. So I began to "order" my prayer. First, I asked to simply be able to go to sleep, explaining that I was tired and had had a long day. "Not a problem," God told me. "Is there anything else you'd like tonight?" And there was, actually. I asked for "peace in the situation," trying to wrap a few simple and appropriate words around the complex and saddening upheaval my life has taken these past 10 days. "Sounds good, " said God. "Let me talk to the chef about that one. Anything else?" "A few more things. I want only to eat my good diet from now on. Can you help me with that?" At this point, words were becoming more complex and hard to form, and I was getting lost in pictures, but God-as-Jeff once again gave me his assurances, and once again asked if there was anything else I would like. There was something else, and I mentally began a long explanation of what that was before realizing that I wasn't making any sense to myself, that I was actually falling asleep! I glanced over and saw that God-as-Jeff was still standing politely at the end of the table, pad in hand, smiling sweetly, and waiting. "Thank You so much," I mumbled. "That will be all. You've been very helpful."

When I woke up this morning, I was so tickled at how well that had worked, I decided to try it again, only this time I took myself to one of my favorite raw food restaurants, Juliano's Raw in Santa Monica, and Juliano himself was my Waiter. I ordered a lifetime of eating 80-10-10 Raw (see my other blog for more on that) and I asked for guidance in my yoga practice. He bowed to me graciously and set off to the kitchen to attend to my wishes.

By asking for my prayers as simply as if I was ordering off a menu, it gives me, mentally, such a tremendous healing space to allow for the "fruits" of the prayer, so to speak, to be delivered. I trust that God-as-my-Waiter has every intention of providing me with as close to my ordered request as possible, so it helps to be specific, which also helps to hone the request down to its most basic and essential components. It also reminds me to be polite and thankful, as this incarnation of God is here to help me, and it's very important to share my tremendous gratitude.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Incredibly Tired

It has been a long day. A long 10 days, to be honest. Today we went hiking, and it was beautiful and a wonderful time, and now I am beat to exhausted. So no long posts, no energy for me to tell you about the incredible conversations we had, or the view, or the amazing challenge of hiking and climbing, or the insights to my situation. All of that and more happened today, but tonight I am going to bed early. Tucking in with a book and falling asleep as soon as possible.

Life is grand.

Friday, March 6, 2009


There is a girl I am deeply, deeply envious of. I've never met her, to my knowledge I've only ever seen her once, but she exists in my consciousness as a continuous reminder: Envy.

It was a hot summer day last year, hot and glorious like it is here in the summer, which lasts from mid-April through mid-October. Late afternoon. Me: in my car, running errands or going to work, I don't remember what I was doing. I only remember vividly what she was doing. Her: blond, skinny in that way women admire each other for being skinny, wearing a string bikini and riding a motorscooter. Barefoot, no helmet, string bikini, scooter, riding away from the park and the pool and headed off to who knows where. In that moment, she was the absolute embodiment of FREEDOM.

I mean, really, I know how foolish it is to be riding around basically naked in your birthday suit on a motor vehicle in traffic, but OH! the freedom she represented to me. The freedom from such boring constraints as "put your shoes on!" "put a helmet on!" "wear clothes!" lol! This girl had it all. In my mind, she was off to meet up with some dashing, dangerous and similarly mostly-naked young swarthy buck with glossy black curls and a big loud cruiser, upon which they would ride off to some amazing naked orgy amidst the fairies and gods. And I was going to work. ugh.

I have carried her like a talisman burning in my heart since then. I want a scooter. I want my hair to be loose and free. I want to ride around in my string bikini. sigh.

I've mentioned her to several people, and they each said the same thing: "You don't strike me as the kind of person who would have envy. What's up with that?" But I do! I have such envy.

The envy I feel is more like a longing: I want that. I want that energy, whatever that energy is, whatever it represents, that's what I want. With her, I want that freedom and that ease. I have another friend who is gorgeous and covered in tattoos, and I envy her that freedom of being so effortlessly and creatively beautiful.

I don't envy people for their stuff. Stuff to me is basically a waste of time, unless it's a really amazing piece of jewelry, or art, or really (this will sound stupid) great-fitting jeans. The stuff I'm interested in is either for work or for beauty, everything else to me is kind of a waste. I'm not even that interested in comfort, so thank God for my boyfriend who is and has provided me with some nice basic creature comforts like, you know, a real bed.

I envy people for their freedom. Freedom of expression, freedom of creativity, freedom of movement, freedom of mobility. Another person I envy, deeply, was a man I once saw out for a jog at 11pm. He was just jogging, wearing wind shorts and running shoes, late at night. Only women really understand that kind of envy. Such freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom to simply BE, to be out, to be bare, to be safe. To run, fleet of foot, under the moon, and to be safe from getting caught.

Envy is the longing for the expression of that which is me, which I am denying, and the recognition of the expression of that which is not me, which I am attempting. I am freedom, therefore when I witness people expressing freedom and I am denying freedom, I am swooning with envy. I am love, therefore when I witness people expressing love when I am denying love, it literally wounds me. I have made the grave error in thinking that I am obligation, not freedom, and that I am solitude, when I am love. Can I trace all of my mistakes, throughout my lifetime, back to these original errors?

I recognize my own freedom, which has nothing to do with politics or economics, and I see that it has everything to do with the expression of my soul. And in order for me to be truly free, I have to be fully within my body. And when I am fully within my body, then there is no envy, only joy and self-realization.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Energy Battle over My Diet

This is a post that will require a lot of prayer while I write it. Just the fact that I am writing about a battle indicates that this is a "hot" issue, and I am trying to be so soft. I'm not always succeeding, but I am, believe it or not, always trying.

My energy healer has talked to me about "guru" energies in my field. This does NOT refer to any particular guru, specifically, at least not in my interpretation, and not in what I'm talking about now, unless I specify otherwise, which I may in a moment. As he has explained them to me, these "guru" energies are energies that require dogma. They require adherence to them as the pathway to God, rather than adhering to the inner knowing, the inner self, the teacher within, the guru within. Not all people who are considered Gurus carry this kind of energy - many powerful Gurus incarnate on the planet now are people doing the true work of a teacher, which is to lead the student to an inner knowing, the inner self, the teacher within. In the role of the Guru, it is their job to point out pitfalls and problems, to let the student know when they have lost their way or gotten caught up in phenomena that don't matter, and to gently further the student's education by teaching them more and more. I consider these people to be Gurus, with the Capital G.

Now these other gurus, small g, kind of go on a power trip. They figure out that they have a certain amount of knowledge, mystique, charisma, whatever. And instead of teaching, which requires a whole lot of mistake-making and experimenting on the part of the student, these gurus create dogma which require a whole lot of adherence to the teachings of the guru. The guru claims that he/she/it has the only true teachings and the only true way to God. And many many many people, myself included, fall prey to the guru and attempt to adhere to the teachings.

These gurus don't have to be physical entities who we sit and pray and chant with, although they do sometimes take on that manifestation. They can be authors of books, or neighbors, or ministers, or elementary school teachers. We can encounter them as children or adults. What matters is whether or not we allow them to attach to us, energetically. And, more importantly, whether we allow ourselves to attach to them.

My energy healer said, laughing, as he always does (how can you not adore someone who chuckles and hums while they work?), that I seem to have had a lot of these guru attachments during my lifetime. "Not a bad thing," he said, "I used to have a lot myself. Just something to be aware of." (That, my friends, is the neutral point! sweet awareness!) And I can see that - oh how I can see that! And that's another post, my lifelong love affair with gurus.

To get back to the Battle of the Diet, because I think this is so important. I have had a guru attachment to the organization I have worked for for the past 7 years. Naturally, right? This has been a tricky alliance, because I am not a naturally dogmatic person, and this organization is one that demands a rather devout adherence to the rules. And that's OK, that's how organizations survive! I have nothing against that. But here's where it gets a little trickier:

In March of 2003, my inner knowing, my inner teaching, led me to the world of Raw Vegan Food. I fell in love with another guru! My, how I fell in love. This was the guru I had been waiting for all my life. Problem being: My old guru was not so very "pro" raw vegan food. As a matter of fact, he was pretty "anti" raw vegan food. He was pretty anti-vegetarian in general, believing a vegetarian diet makes people weak and soft. Maybe it does, and that's not what he's looking for in his organization. I happen to disagree with his position, now, but before I met my Raw Food guru, I totally believed my old guru's position. My transition to a Raw Vegan diet was a total road-to-Damascus conversion - I saw the light, and I was HEALED!!!

So now I had a problem. I had 2 gurus attached in to me, with absolutely, diametrically opposed views on food and nutrition. I mean, you couldn't find 2 people more at odds. I think if you sat them down together and made them talk to each other, they would both agree on maybe 3 things: 1) the other guy is an idiot; 2) they have all the answers; 3) nobody needs to eat as much as we do in our western culture. And I think that would be about it. Living with this battle going on inside of me was difficult to say the least. I have tried doing the work of the organization, without following its nutritional dogma (which is strange - to attempt to pick and choose which bits of dogma work for you and which don't. Isn't adherence adherence? I struggle with this big time). I have left the organization to follow the Raw Food guru, and soon discovered that that emperor wasn't wearing as many clothes as he thought he was, either. I've come back to the organization and formed an uneasy alliance - how to be a leader giving different instruction without getting caught and knowing that other people are looking to me and saying the dogma back at me. Very strange. Very difficult.

And difficult within myself. If I disagree with the organization or the leader this much about this thing, where is the line? And I disagree with the other guy, too. Hmmm. Do I abandon both? Is there truth in both?

The problem is: my inner knowing tells me to eat a Raw Vegan Diet. And not just any ol' raw vegan diet, but I found a NEW guru! A guru without guru attachments, actually, at least not to me. Maybe a guru who I could consider a Guru. Someone who doesn't demand compliance, just suggests a good plan and then gives you such a strong argument for it, it's like a big ol' smack in the forehead "well D'UH!" Neither of the other 2 diet guru energies are very happy about this. One guru is telling me just to eat Mcdonald's and the work I'm doing will nourish me from that. The other guru is telling me to eat superfoods and trip out on raw chocolate to give my body super-nutrition. Both claim that their plan will take me to a higher consciousness. (This new Guru just says his plan will make my body work better. I like that.) But with so little ME in me, just 6% a week ago, up to maybe 70% today it feels like, it's not a battle I can fight effectively, so I end up in a compromise: cooked vegan food, most of it pretty junky. It's the vegan version of Mcdonald's!

So now what? Having left the organization, I'm working on kicking these guru attachments out. Not just these 2, these are just the only ones that care what I eat. And they just aren't going quietly. I've stopped trying to force myself to eat the way I really want to, because it's just too much of a battle still, and I can only do so much. The cooked food really does numb you out, and with all that's going on around me, a little numb-out seems like an ok thing. I sat with my body the other day, with my Sacral Center, and I asked how much longer it needed before we could get back to "my" way of eating. "4 days" it grunted back. 4 days. OK. I can wait 4 more days. 4 days to get strong enough, 4 days to fill up my Me tank, 4 days to move these energies fully out of my field.

This might sound all new-agey woo-woo, maybe too much, but substitute the word "beliefs" for guru, or "thoughts." A guru doesn't have to be a person, because really the only thing that matters is how strongly you attach to it, and how strongly you allow it to attach to you. Your own thoughts are your own guru, positive or negative. So I'm working on moving the negative thoughts out to make room for my positive thoughts.

But I really like (and feel) this whole guru idea. It makes sense to me.

So the Battle of My Diet is being prepared. I'm gonna win.

Life at 65%

When my energy healer told me I was operating at about 65% yesterday, my first reaction was "Wow! That's awesome! Just imagine how great 100% will feel, if this is how great 65% feels!!!" woo-hoo! I don't have any sort of "gee, I thought I was doing better than that. Shouldn't I be further along than that by now?" Trust me, I'm the person who has spent their whole life thinking they should have been further along than "wherever" I've happened to be. So feeling so incredibly happy and thankful at 65% is a really sweet surprise, a really great blessing.

And it's also a wonderful time for assessment. 65% is a vast improvement over 6%. And I can see it. My life has been full of metaphors and examples of how full of MySelf I have been (not from that egoic "full of myself" mental place, but truly energetically, how full of my own precious Self is my tank? How much of Me am I running on?).

Before this all happened, I was using about 6% of my house. I have a tiny, tiny house, and even so, I was only using 6% of it. I would come home, and curl up in my bed. I ate in my bed, slept in my bed, wrote in my bed. My bed was literally my little nest that contained everything I needed. I slept with my computer in my bed (if my boyfriend wasn't there) and with my phone in my bed. I would fall asleep at night holding my cell phone, and wouldn't let go of it all night, like a security blanket. I would wake up in the morning, and before even getting up to go to the toilet, I would open my computer and check my email. So even before I had started to care for myself during the day, I was caring for my business.

In my house, wherever things landed was where they would stay. I was veering dangerously towards the energetic pattern of the person who carves passageways out of stacks of paper, only for me it was stacks of clothes. When your spirit is being pushed out of your body, it takes more energy than you possess to create an appropriate living environment. Or, rather, your living environment becomes appropriate as a reflection of just how much you are actually occupying your Self.

As I started to fill up again, and started to re-inhabit my house, I started to discover all kinds of metaphors for how "out of it" I was. For example, I had bought quite literally hundreds of candles, and yet I did not own a single match. I love that. How accurate, how eye-opening! Hundreds of candles and no matches. I have spent hundreds of dollars on jewelry, some of them custom, hand-made pieces of art, heaped in a pile under miscellaneous clutter, sometimes even garbage. I had created a beautiful altar and yet hadn't consecrated the space around it enough to prevent both my boyfriend and myself from just dumping stuff in front of it. I have tiny closets, and most of my clothes are soft, knit things that benefit most from being folded, and yet I do not own a dresser and kept attempting to keep my wardrobe on hangers. I even had a sweater-sorter thing, one of those collapsible shelving things you hang from wardrobe rods, which I wasn't using and even had in my car to take to Goodwill! I could go on, but you get the picture. So many simple things I could do to actually inhabit my body and my house, so many details I had overlooked.

So I've made tremendous progress. Yesterday I organized my closets - always an obsession of mine; I even had a business for awhile helping people organize their own closets. I LOVE a gorgeous, organized closet, no matter what size. I brought the hanging shelf back inside, and lovingly folded all of my t-shirts and sweaters and arranged them by color. My closet is no bigger, but there is a place for all of my treasures to be displayed to their own best advantage, and it's a joy to look into. That simple step of reaffirming myself has gone a long way!!

My altar is now a sacred space. I took my computer out of my bed, and placed it so that as I am writing, I am sitting on my meditation cushion, on a rug. My altar is behind me. My books are to my right, and the blowing breeze through the open door is to my left. I have my music playing, and incense burning, and all of this is contained in a tiny nook of about 4'x6'. I very much like writing inside my meditation space. Since I have started writing here, I feel like the words I write have more strength, love, and light. It feels like an occupied, important space, not just a place to dump stuff.

I organized the bathroom last night, and rediscovered my jewelry. I put some of my favorite pieces on - pieces that were made for me or given to me by very important and beloved people. I feel their strength and love while I'm wearing them.

The bed is made, and I put all of my nesting things in a little basket, so I can still nest up if I like, but it's easy to take the stuff out of the bed and keep the bed for what it is here for - a place for rest and love.

I feel like I've made great progress here at 65%. There's still 35% more to be done to fully occupy the house. The kitchen is still untouched (it's so loaded. Energetically. Entering my kitchen to feed and nurture myself is a direct act of defiance towards the energies that have been draining me, a very clear statement of their lack of authority in my space, and ironic given my "other" identity as a raw food educator, writer, advocate and proponent!). A huge part of this energy battle in my body has been fought over my diet. Huge. That's another post altogether. Add it to the list! My car is still a mess. There is still scrubbing to be done. All of this will come together, slowly and gently. I am in no rush.

I would rather stay at 65% and create a strong imprint of 65% Self than to try and rush to 100% and not have the strength to maintain. These things take time. Healing is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel so good about my progress. I'm happy.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Energy, Part Deux

Trust me, everything is funnier in French. Try it sometime.

To follow up on my earlier post about energy: I realized that I hadn't actually mentioned that indeed, my energy healer was able to detect that I had been "hijacked." That an energy from the old business - not from any individual there, mind you, this is not about any person there, but rather an energy around the old business - had come along and picked a fight with me. From what it feels like to me, it's the same energy that has been picking fights with me for awhile, and it's the same energy that created the original "bad blog." After all, it worked so well the first time, why not try to get me to do it again? Writing is as natural to me as breathing, so it's not like it has to try and get me to do something I don't want to do, right?

And I felt it again today. I was just humming along, doing great, working on my house, getting back into my space, when suddenly I felt this sense of shame. Not much, just a little, just a taste, like that whiff of cigarette smoke you get from a passing car with its windows open. Just enough that I could recognize it. "Ahhh, shame. I know that feeling. Ahhh, yes, I should be feeling that right now. Shouldn't I? Oh, the pain I've caused people, oh, I'm a bad person, I should feel ashamed." I felt this sneaking in, and I just stopped. I laughed out loud. HA-HA!! A fake, harsh, phony laugh. Then I went into the bathroom and I forced myself to look in the mirror and laugh out loud (a more challenging exercise than you might think). Then I started talking. I asked myself the hard questions: do I feel this shame? is this me? what do I have to be ashamed of? is God ashamed of me? And I forced myself to answer: I don't really feel this shame, I just feel like I should. This isn't me. I have nothing to be ashamed of - people were hurt, and I am grieved by that, but I am not ashamed. There is no shame in God, only Love, and Love drives out shame and fear. So then I started dancing. And laughing. And then I went for a walk. And the feeling of shame went away.

What I am learning from this: our true emotions are not the same as our conditioned reactions. I am sad, but I am not ashamed. I take ownership, but I do not take blame. I am happy, because I am joy, but I take no pleasure in the suffering of others. I have practical concerns, but I am not worried. I can hear all of those imprints from childhood: you should be ashamed of yourself, I blame you for this, how dare you laugh at a time like this, you better be worried. I want to cast those imprints off and build myself new.

My energy healer did a quick tune-up on me tonight (he has been so marvelous and patient and answered all my questions). I said I'm feeling so much better, I feel like I'm around 80-90% full-of-me! He laughed and said, well, looks more like about 65%. Which is a whole lot better than the 6% or so that I was a week ago! I'm excited - if this is what 65% feels like, wow! what must 100% be!?!?!?


I am looking very closely at Energy these days. Not just the get-up-n-go pep kind of energy, although that really is a much bigger part of the other kind of energy than I had figured, but really the cosmic energies, the cosmic forces that play and dance and laugh and sing around us. I've given them some lip service, carried a vast fascination about them, studied them, but always allowed my attentions to them to wax and wane dependent upon whatever else was going on in my life. Whenever I have less than way-too-much going on, however, that is where my attention naturally slips.

I will admit it fully: I believe in astrology, numerology, tarot, angel cards, goddess cards, psychic readings, energy healings, clairvoyance, ghosts, "crossing over," and all sorts of the realm of the supernatural. I believe in the gods and goddesses of the ancient religions, the angels and the saints, the boddhisatvas and the avatars. (how did "avatar" become the term for the little cartoon drawing people use on games? it's the name of the wisest and most ancient incarnate souls! bizarre) I'm very much like the Cowardly Lion, twisting his tail and muttering as a mantra, "I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks!" I believe in magic, I know the trees and rocks are alive, and I know that there are benevolent and malevolent forces at play in our lives. I love Harry Potter! (There, I've said it. I read HP7 in less than 24 hours the first time, and in the 18 months since then, I've read it at least 18 times. It's been an enormous education for this process, as, like Harry, I have had to stow my wand beneath my robes and go to face my "death" without defense. But, I digress. We'll talk about Harry Potter later.)

And, as much as I believe in the esoteric, I also believe that it is all very organized, logical, intertwined and planned out. I believe in Free Will, and also that our Free Will is all organized towards a planned result. I love Human Design! When I discovered Human Design, it blew my mind apart - and then I got too busy to fully engage in it. I am my own worst enemy, always.

My faith structure goes like this: I exist in this body. I am a soul having a human experience, which requires a body, a human body. It's very much like - I live in Texas, therefore I require a car in order to have a fully Texan experience! (it's really so true, in so many ways!) But even in Texas, you get out of your car occasionally (it's not LA, after all! that's something else altogether). We get to choose our cars, we get to choose how well we take care of our cars, we get to choose our fuel for our cars, and we get to choose who else rides in our cars with us. And sometimes, if we're not careful, our cars can get stolen or damaged while we're not paying attention to them. We can pick up hitchhikers, or carpool. And there are a whole lot of people who don't have cars - they have to ride the bus, but they'd really love to catch a ride or borrow your car. And then there are the really smart people who just have bicycles, but that's a different story (they matter in this one too, though!).

So to keep the story going: the people with cars are ordinary people. The people without cars are disincarnate souls. The people with the bicycles are boddhisatvas, here, incarnate, but traveling at different speeds and using different energy sources. Our friends and families and people we share rides with create positive energetic connections, as long as they help pay for gas and don't make us drive out of our way all the time and don't turn up the radio so loud we can't hear what we're saying, and it's nice if they share by driving you in their cars equally the same. When they don't do that, or when we do that to them, it creates an energetic drain. When the people without cars steal our cars when we're not looking, our car can get involved in all kinds of mess! It's registered to us, so it looks like we're doing it, and it's hard to prove that we weren't involved. And if we pick up hitchhikers, we have no way of knowing what they are going to do, as an unknown person. Same with disincarnate souls. We have no control over their actions.

With our physical cars, at night (or whenever we're away from them) we lock the doors and roll up the windows and hide our valuables. We need to do the same with our bodies. With our physical cars, we get tune ups and we drive the speed limit. We ask our passengers to help pay for gas. We need to do the same with our bodies and with our energies that we are sharing our bodies with.

Not all shared energies are bad! Some are very beneficial - such as the shared energy of children and lovers. It's when the shared energies crowd out the original energy, the Driver, that things start to get crazy. Your body becomes a clown car, a school bus, the truck on the Beverly Hillbillies.

My belief in this, which allows for my belief in all the other magic of the world, has been solidified by what I have been experiencing this week. According to my energy healer, I was carrying about 30-40 people in my body. I was using over 60% of my creativity for my work, my job, I should say. I was using about 94% of my energy for my job. I was grounding my job - and by job I mean the entire business, not just my section of it - through my body. My 6th and 7th chakras were buried and crammed up against each other in the center of my head. There was very little ME in me, and it was evident in my life. My house was a mess. Not just a mess, but a heaping pile of mess, and I simply had no energy to take care of it. I was so barely present in my own body, how could I bother to be more than barely present in my house? Any attempts I made to clean or decorate my house were thwarted by the huge demands of the energies residing in my body which would pull me back into taking care of it/them instead, and my house would deteriorate almost immediately. My boyfriend commented that he had never actually seen the bottom of both sides of my kitchen sink at the same time in the (then) 5 months we'd been together. Sad but so amazingly true.

It's been a week since the day I began to lose my job. I had my energy healing done 6 days ago. It's taken me this long to (very gently) start to get back into my house, to get it cleaned up, to get it pretty, to get ME back into it. I can't work on it for very long, maybe 15 minutes at a time, before I get pretty wiped out and have to sit and write and re-build. Learning to use my Self-care muscles, getting my house together so I can live in it.

2 days ago, I wrote a post which really hurt a beloved friend. I didn't mean to. In fact, I wasn't even sure where that post came from or why I wrote it. Here is my experience of that day: I had a beautiful day on Sunday. I woke up on Monday, full of excitement and promise for the week ahead. "My Sabbatical starts today!" was my opening idea. I had been given some instruction via Human Design to spend some time listening to my Sacral Center, to write some lists of questions and to just spend some time reading them and listening - literally - to the sounds from my Sacral Center (via throat chakra) to see how I responded. Also on the list of things to do was to start cleaning my house and to start a mild orange-juice fast. Very much a self-care oriented kind of day, exactly what everyone who loves me wanted me to be doing. I wrote some posts in Raw Fu, answered some emails, made my orange juice. It was a lovely morning, so I gathered up my journal, my Michael Tamura book, and my juice bottle, put on my Keens, and set off for the park. I saw in my mind's eye the bench I wanted to sit at, one of my favorite spots. As I started walking, out of nowhere, I felt this sudden sense of worry - of concern for my belongings still at my old job. Like, wow - I need to get this taken care of. I need my stuff. My head was kind of buzzing. And so I pulled out my phone and sent a few texts to a friend of mine who works there, all the while wondering if this was the right thing to do or not. But the sense of worry in my head was really strong. Suddenly, I TURNED AROUND, about a block away from my house, and I went home. "Too chilly to sit on a bench now" was the reason my head gave me. Rather than the sense of worry subsiding with going home, I found it increasing. Next thing I knew, I felt this huge need to write a post for my blog about my worry, including worrying about this friend and whether or not she still liked me and if I could trust her. Someone who had always been my friend, my ally, someone I really loved. I suddenly was filled with doubt, worry, and fear, and I was the furthest away from love, light and laughter that I had been the entire time. I spent the whole day in this sense of worry. I spent the whole day focused on my friend and if she still loved me. Of course, that much energy brought her to read the post, and a friend who was a supporter was now very upset with me. It was bizarre. Why did I do such a stupid thing? Had I not just learned my lesson about what to blog and what not to blog? Where did this come from?

I am an incredibly lucky person. My friend slapped me, hard. She didn't hold back. She slapped me awake, slapped me back into my body. One of my best friends then gave me a hard, long shake. My boyfriend said, "I can't save you from yourself!" I posted the apology, below, and then set to figure out what had happened and why. I recognized the events as I've described them, and I sent an email to my energy healer. I realized that I felt "invaded" when those worry thoughts hit me. Those thoughts didn't feel like "me," but they also felt so familiar that I didn't fight them off. Had I been hit by an external energy force - a hitchhiker? an old passenger who still wanted a ride? had my car just been keyed by someone angry at me?

Before it seems like I'm passing off the responsibility of the actions onto a "devil made me do it" alibi, I want to make very clear: I did it. I wrote the words, posted the message. But more importantly, I did it in collusion. I allowed this hostile force to come into my body, I allowed it way more room than it deserved, and then I shrugged my shoulders, energetically, said, "yeah, you're right," and I did what it suggested I do. I was weak. I took it on. Therefore, the responsibility is all mine. If someone steals my car and uses it to kill a pedestrian, I'm responsible if in fact I left the car unlocked and the keys in the ignition and the engine running. I'm even more responsible if I'm sitting in the passenger seat and navigating, as I was in this instance.

Lesson learned? What I have to learn now is how to discern that which is me, and that which is not. Easy? Not very. It's subtle, because I have been carrying 30-40 people and a whole business in my body! I know what those forces feel like almost better than I know what I feel like. I feel like the foreigner. I feel "good," I feel "happy." When I'm in my own body and fully occupying it, like I was on Sunday, I feel strong and powerful and at ease. The problem is that all those other feelings are so familiar, and we expect, in our culture, "to have good days and bad days." So maybe "I" am just having a bad day? But what if that were impossible? I'm thinking of Dr. Patch Adams, who decided to never have a bad day. Now there's a man in full occupation of his own body!

I have decided never to have another bad day. I have decided never to let another hitchhiker steal my car, not to let another crazy, dangerous driver take over. I have to learn how to lock my car, how to roll up the windows. I don't know exactly how to do this, but my gut, my precious Sacral Center, is telling me that the best, fastest, easiest way to do this is laughter. To laugh, even if it seems fake, at the idea of worry or fear, is to drive the negative energy/entity right on out - "Me let you drive?? Oh that is HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed that! whoooooo!"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Oh Holy Phool, Blessed Guides and Supreme Being! Please be with me in my thoughts, words, deeds and actions today, and show me the light, love and laughter in all that I encounter! Please give light and peace to my words and pull out of me that which is not me, and help me to share the best that is me with those who are needing it. Amen.

Neutrality. This has been the theme of the day. This is where most of my energy and focus has been going, working through layers and layers and layers of drama. I even wrote (and am now rewriting) a post about drama, one which was loaded with it. I felt like it was neutral, and then my precious Projector shone some light on it, and I saw that while it was closer to neutral, it wasn’t there yet. Still in drama.

So rather than write about drama, through layers of drama, I want to attempt to write about neutrality, through this new and exciting lens of neutrality. When I say “lens” – it feels almost like a combination microscope/telescope, with a viewer right in the middle that shows me both sides equally the same, at the same time, in perfect focus.

When I’m in drama, the connection is to only one end of the viewer. Microscope – minutiae, details, blind spots everywhere, no big picture. Telescope – no sensitivity, no subtlety. Both ends are exhausting. What’s more, when in drama, there is no awareness of the calm center, and so I make the mistake of thinking that I am the calm center, and that all drama is going on around me. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s the nature of drama. When I am in it, I’m in it, and I am therefore either blinded by my attention to (my own) detail, or I am oblivious by my fascination with the big picture. Either way, I’m only looking at one end, and seeing my end as the right end. It doesn’t matter what the drama is about, or who started it, or how long it’s been going on – drama is drama, and fixating on either end of the viewer is engaging in it.

Neutrality, however, is something altogether different. I’ve been getting interesting lessons lately in neutrality. I know someone who is so “Zen” about her approach to life that it used to disturb me a little. “How could she be so calm? There’s so much stuff going on! How can she not take a side, stand up for something, express her opinion, express her feelings?” (as you can see, I have always been very passionate and hard-headed. Aries Moon in the first house. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And as he said in “Fight Club,” “How’s that workin’ for ya?” exactly.) Last week, in the middle of my crisis, this person, this wonderful example, told me how much she loves me, and that she was neutral in my fight. That was a shock to me. “If you love someone, don’t you have to take a side? Don’t you have to stand up for them?” That was my first authentic glimpse into neutrality, my first real understanding of the idea of “Yes, And…”

The next day, I had my energy healing, and my wonderful energy healer gave me another big lesson. He was there to observe, and to remove anything that wasn’t me, to clear the clutter, as he said. Not there to judge, condemn, assess or evaluate. And yet he was quite clearly on my side, in the moment, of working to do the very best for me and all involved. Remove that which isn’t working, keep that which is, that is all.

Reading Michael Tamura gave me the word. I hadn’t really grokked the concept and applied the word to it until I read his book, and it just blew my socks off. Neutrality started to seep into my consciousness.

On Sunday night, working with my friend on her conflict – well, it’s so easy to see both sides of someone else’s drama, isn’t it? I looked at my beautiful friend and the tension in her face and said, “get to neutral.” And it was so amazing to watch as she struggled to find it. I could literally see the tension of the drama pulling her down, and I had never seen that before. It’s always been there, I just had never seen it because I had never willingly backed away from a fight before! Imagine, pulling away from a fight when it’s one of your best friends in it. I just kept getting these fleeting glimpses of neutrality, and how sweet it was there, how sweet she was there. It took us about 2 hours or so of focused work, but we did finally make it to a lovely neutral spot.

Yesterday, I got yanked. When you seek neutrality, you’re gonna get yanked. I got yanked, I got sucked into my own drama, I reacted in drama. I stopped looking through the middle of the viewer. And I got blindsided by the short-sightedness of my resulting reactions. Yanked-n-spanked. “Stay neutral,” whispers my spirit, and all my earthly guides joined back in chorus. Just stay neutral.

And I had one more lesson from a friend today. An incredibly gifted, amazing artist, she is about to have her first one-woman show – a long-awaited dream, and therefore one riddled with anxiety. I had just come home from a long walk, thinking about drama and neutrality, and she sent me a gift – her worries, her drama. It was like a miracle, this gift to be able to see the same miracle I was going through her experience. She gave me this sentence: “my career is on the line.” Wow. Having, of course, just had the course of my whole career change in a heartbeat and yet being on the other side and still smiling, laughing, learning, loving and breathing, I realized that I could be at perfect neutral for her for that worry, that drama. And I saw her career as a line, a line in one of her drawings. Both ends – success or failure – are both present, both are equally beautiful, and both are being held up by the same perfect composition. The neutral point, the place in the middle that supports both ends, is the place in the drawing where the eyes rest.

In my mind’s eye, neutrality is a fulcrum point. Drama resides at the ends of the seesaw. Depending on the situation, I get different seesaws. My work/life drama to me is a bright, shiny silver seesaw in outer space that spins so fast I can’t tell the poles apart and make the mistake of thinking there are no poles, no neutral point, no drama. My friend’s conflict seesaw was a good ol’ wooden playground seesaw, the kind with the deep grooves in the ground under it. My other friend’s drawing seesaw was actually a surreal vine supported by a feather (her drawings are amazing. Amazing.) And each seesaw has a neutral point, which has a bright, shining gem, star, beacon, something.

It’s so beautiful at Neutral. I’m still just getting fleeting glimpses of what it’s like to be there, but just that is enough to make it very enticing. The misconception I had before was that all the action was at the poles. Go to your pole, stay on your end, and that’s where the effort, energy and action would all take place. It’s true that at the poles is where you get to feel the g-forces – you do get that adrenaline rush, but it pushes and forces you into immobility. You can do nothing while spinning out of control, held down by gravity. What I’m learning is that all the action happens at neutral. Sneaky, huh?

At neutral, you get to see both ends. At neutral, you don’t miss a thing. At neutral, the heavens open, and there is magic. And light, laughter, love and joy. The miracles happen at neutral. Not at effort, or attachment or spinning out of control. The miracles happen at neutral, because neutral is where you can finally let go of attachment to outcomes, because at neutral you can finally see that both sides of the drama are perfect and beautiful, and so are all of the players.

Neutral is not passive. Neutral is not apathetic. Neutral is love for all. Neutral carries the power to stop the madness. Neutral is non-resistance. Neutral is defenselessness. Neutral can solve the economic crisis, the Middle-East crisis, world hunger, genocide, global warming, and can soothe a broken heart and mend a broken relationship. Neutral is that powerful. All we have to do is get there.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Humor, Laughter and Amusement

After a melancholy day, I was instructed to write a new post that would pull more light, love and laughter back into this holy-seeking blog. Good idea! Still feeling groggy, though, I figured what I really needed was some laughter therapy. I want to watch The Office. Surely nothing I've ever done in "real Life" is as stupid, offensive, or ridiculous as what Michael does on The Office, so that will lighten me up and make me laugh and then I'll be in a terrific place to write a terrific post.

And the Universe is cracking me up! We don't need no stinkin' comedy routines! This mess is FUNNY! Not only do I have an old computer that moves slow, well, suffice it to say that I've been working on loading the video for about 10 minutes when I give up on Hulu and go to NBC. Once I get to NBC, I get the message that I need a new flash player. So I go to Adobe. It's going to take 7 minutes to load the new flash. Hmmmmm.

I seek laughter, so I go to a comedy. I seek patience, so I get a slow-moving computer. My comedy won't load. I gotta laugh, because if this WERE a comedy, it would be hysterical. I feel like I am being told so clearly: the laughter cannot be because something is funny. The laughter must come from you, from within, because it's ALL funny! The whole of Nature is roaring with laughter at the joy of simply being what IS.

The situation that I have just left is funnier and full of more wonderful characters than The Office could ever dream. My current situation - sitting on this pink comforter in this messy little house, making mistakes and pissing people off and just trying to make things make sense and failing miserably - this is funny. I have to laugh at how SERIOUS I am about it all. The pout and the self-pity and the worry. Remember, the spell to dispell a Boggart: RIDIKULOUS!!! And how do you get rid of dementors? You think of the happiest, strongest clearest thing you have. Laughter is the magic that rids us of evil, worries, neuroses, anger, fretfulness, addictions, cravings, loneliness and sorrow. Laughter is the only medicine. I've been saying for days that I am going to do laughter work, and I have yet to put myself in a place of just letting go and laughing.

well, HA!!!! to that! time to get giggling.

More apologies

I'm in such a maelstrom of confusion right now. Please bear with me.

First, I have to apologize, again, to anybody who may have been literally hurt by any of the posts that I put on this blog. I thought I was writing from a place of sharing ideas and my experiences, but instead, I was simply ranting - non-constructively, airing dirty laundry, setting fire to bridges, and using my blog to discuss people instead of ideas, to discuss ideas instead of God. This is how people got hurt in the first place.

I have been in a big delusion. I was under the impression that by writing incognito, I was disengaging from any sort of fray around my situation. What I realize now is that what I was actually doing was participating energetically, retaliating. I was looking for validation and reinforcement - I wanted all of the people who are supporting me to say how fantastic I am, to cheer me on, to tell me I'm great and "don't let the bastards get you down!" It's true. That's what I want from anybody and everybody who reads this blog. I figure you're here for some reason, it's got to be that you think I'm just AWESOME. And if you think I'm just awesome, then it doesn't matter what I say, I can just say it and no problems. But that's not what happens. Once again, I forgot that my blog - even a supposedly anonymous blog like this one - is not my journal. I don't leave my journal lying around for people to pick up. A journal is a place for catharsis and processing. Hopefully a blog is a place for something worthwhile to say.

I have been under the delusion that I was in non-resistance, going with the flow and being Peace in my situation. Sometimes, I was. Sometimes, I was not. Some of my posts (which have been deleted) were posts of war, written from a place of anger or outrage or fear, sadness, loneliness, emptiness. They were not from a place of Peace. They were not from the place of
seeing Love in all situations. They were from a place of wanting to be right and wanting validation. Other posts were written from a very good place, and I'm pleased with that work and will allow it to stand.

I am working very hard on seeing love, light, laughter and peace in all the situations around me. I forgot that when you open yourself to see peace, the Universe will hand you war. When you open to Love, you will be handed fear. Seek Light, be handed darkness. Seek Laughter, and be handed tears. This is how it goes. Because the trick is not to be in Peace when it's all peaceful and happy - I had a wonderful day yesterday and was so easily at peace, so this morning I got the opportunity to experience some loneliness and fear and insecurity. Thinking I was staying in peace, I wrote a post out of fear. And it got caught. By someone I love very very much, and who I had a moment of insecurity about. My fear, my insecurity, crowding out the peace in the situation I had stopped trying to see. I didn't stop trying to see it for long - only for a few moments - but that was enough. Enough to keep me in fear and insecurity all day, enough to hurt someone beloved to me. I have been so concerned about the opinions of these readers "out there" who I don't even know that I am putting at risk the very real relationships that I have here in front of me.

There's a quote, I don't know from who: mediocre minds talk of people, average minds talk of ideas, and great minds talk of God. The intention of this blog was to create a place of my spiritual journey - a place to talk of God. And instead I have used it to talk of people. Not always, but I am learning, painfully, slowly, that it takes constant vigilance and practice to stay in the light, love and laughter.

I faltered for a minute. I almost deleted the whole blog. There are too many of you who have encouraged me to take these steps and work along this path, via this forum and this medium. I am learning how to use it, and making terrible mistakes every once in awhile. I want to be great, not in your eyes, but in my defenselessness. I am disengaging completely from the fray, the energy of the blessed place behind me. I have stowed my wand in my cloak. No more writing about people, no more dirty laundry. This is about my journey, and only my own, and hopefully about ideas, and ideally about God.

I have a very clear instruction to find the laughter in this situation. It's kind of funny that I would slip so easily from love into worry on a day so beautiful and so full of blessings, like a little kid throwing a tantrum because his mom ate the swirl off the top of his DQ sundae! You've still got the whole bowl of ice cream, just maybe not the part that makes it so pretty.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Most Glorious Day!!!

Today's words have been done mostly through my voice, which has been really exciting. I can't even begin to count the blessings of today, they have been so many, but here are the highlights:

1) I woke up to a dream in which I was visiting a Sacred Circle, like Stonehenge.
2) then I went to Michael Tamura's website (, found a YouTube video, watched that and it was speaking DIRECTLY to me, of course.
3) got a phone call from a good friend
4) met another good friend at Starbuck's - don't normally go to Starbuck's, but she does, and it was her treat, so while there I got to try a really yummy drink called a "London Fog" which is a tea latte made an earl-grey type tea with vanilla, bergamot and lavender. I had it with soymilk. TOTALLY not on my regimen, but also totally a wonderful treat.
5) my good friend I met at Starbuck's is a woman who, when I met her, my heart just immediately went "YUMMY!!! MINE! MY FRIEND! She's got stuff I need to know! Can she be my friend and teacher pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzze?" I just love her. And I have been so freakin' busy that despite the fact that we live in the same neighborhood and I practically drive past her house every day, we have not been able to find time to sit together and have a cup of tea in the almost 2 years that I have known her. RIDICULOUS! So now, I have this blessing of a Sunday morning free and clear, with plenty of time to sit and chat. Wow.
6) my good friend I met at Starbuck's is: a potter, a realtor, a yoga teacher, an astrologer, and a counselor. She's all of that and more. It was so amazing to talk to someone in this situation who not only knew all of the players on a human level, but who could also look at them from a more global, even cosmic level and give a really wide-ranging insight on what had happened, like "wow - Pluto is going conjunct this person's Sun. No wonder!" We had an amazing conversation in which I told her the experiences and she gave me the insights. Incredible.
7) during my time at Starbuck's, I had calls from one of my best friends, my boyfriend, and my energy healer. They're all super-awesome.
8) the weather today was just knock-your-eyeballs-out perfect. 65 degrees, spotless turquoise sky, just blustery enough to make the kite festival fun and interesting. I got to spend my whole afternoon in the park instead of stuck at work! woo-hoo!
9) I am practicing amusement and laughter. This is work I'm taking very seriously. I made a point to walk around with a smile on my face, and to smile at everybody. I even waved at people. I smiled at dogs like crazy - I always talk to dogs, too - smiled at babies, smiled at grown-ups, everybody. I had one baby go out of his way to catch my attention and make sure I waved at him. He was great. Whenever I saw something funny happen, I laughed and chatted with the people involved. One guy had a ring-shaped kite, and it fell out of the sky and landed neatly around the head of an adorable little girl - she looked like she was around 5 or so, playing with her sister. I laughed and asked the guy how many points that was worth - he said he wasn't sure, so I said it's gotta be at least 3 points for that. And then the older sister, being careful to extricate the kite strings from her little sister's braids and barrettes said, "nah - that's 4 points for sure!"
10) this guy had the coolest kite - a yellow dragon with a 6-foot wingspan, and an 8-foot tail. wow.
11) I got to sit at a picnic table at the crossroads for all the people leaving the park, and all the people coming in, plus all the people just exercising. Dogs! Kids! Bicycles! Kites! Strollers! Joggers! Young! Old! Everybody! So much fun.
12) I got calls from closest, bestest friends which I was sitting there, so they got to join in the fun, too.
13) I talked with a very powerful supporter. This is a woman I respect so much, and she totally is in agreement that I did a stupid thing, but she feels that what the business owner did was more stupid. She asked me what I am going to do now, and I told her that I am going to take 3 months sabbatical to write. "Good for you!!!" she said. "I'll help you in anyway that I can. I don't know anything about writing, but anything I can do for you, anything at all, just let me know." So I bit the bullet and said, "Can I ask you for financial assistance?" And she said YES!!! We're going to meet next week. Short term, she's going to help me rest and write, and long-term, we may work on opening our own business together. This is massively cool. Suddenly, for the first time in days, I felt like I could take a really, really deep breath.
14) I came home and talked to my Mommy. I hadn't called my parents until yesterday, until after the news. I talked with my Daddy yesterday, and my Mommy today. That was good. And still no nephew, but he'll be here anytime in the next 2 weeks!!! Little Pisces Boy. First grandchild. Pretty exciting.
15) went to Whole Foods and got some dinner. The cute check-out guy (I love me some cute Whole Foods check-out guys! Dated one once, hot Mr. 1977 tattooed yogi artist. He still makes me smile to think about. I hope he's doing really well.) asked me how my day was, and I beamed back, "Absolutely awesome!" "Really?" he said. "Whatcha been up to?" "Gettin' fired!" "Well awlright!" he said, giving me a mental high-five.
16) came home and ANOTHER good friend came over and we spent a couple of hours working on healing a tough work situation for her. That was amazing for me, using the tools I've spent the past few days learning, plus some others I just made up on the spot - little Byron Katie, little Michael Tamura, little creative visualization, etc. We did a lot of color healing - pink fluffy glittery stuff for the person she's in conflict with, a big noble purple for the client who's getting screwed as a result, some bright yellow sunshine up the ass (literally!) of a friend who's just had rectal surgery. THAT was fun!
17) and I did some color healing for the people I've been in conflict with. I put great big huge yellow candy valentine's hearts (you know the chalky ones? that pale yellow?) with pink writing on them that say "We Love You Lisa!" all over the house and workplace of one of the people - and "We Love You Lisa!" is being said repeatedly in the voice of David Sedaris as his sister Lisa's parrot, who she taught to say that, which I think is totally ironic and hilarious as his whole family is fodder for his stories, names and all their gory details. Lisa needs some pale, soft yellow. (oh, see, now I've gone and given you a name. And since there's only one Lisa out there in the world, you'll definitely be able to figure it all out now!) And I put emerald-city green glasses on the eyes of the business owner, so he can get some desperately needed green light in his field, and poured golden caramel (for grounding) into the field of the 3rd person. It mostly felt good to get some laughter into the story. It's an inside joke, but it's hilarious to think of this business owner walking around with everything in his sight suddenly turned green, and the voice of David Sedaris pursuing Lisa, telling her we love her.

So that's where I've been today. It's been an amazing day. More happened than that - that's just the short version. The love and support and opening of relationships, all the intimate details, that's all mine, my golden treasures. I'll transmute those into words tomorrow.