Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Energy, Part Deux

Trust me, everything is funnier in French. Try it sometime.

To follow up on my earlier post about energy: I realized that I hadn't actually mentioned that indeed, my energy healer was able to detect that I had been "hijacked." That an energy from the old business - not from any individual there, mind you, this is not about any person there, but rather an energy around the old business - had come along and picked a fight with me. From what it feels like to me, it's the same energy that has been picking fights with me for awhile, and it's the same energy that created the original "bad blog." After all, it worked so well the first time, why not try to get me to do it again? Writing is as natural to me as breathing, so it's not like it has to try and get me to do something I don't want to do, right?

And I felt it again today. I was just humming along, doing great, working on my house, getting back into my space, when suddenly I felt this sense of shame. Not much, just a little, just a taste, like that whiff of cigarette smoke you get from a passing car with its windows open. Just enough that I could recognize it. "Ahhh, shame. I know that feeling. Ahhh, yes, I should be feeling that right now. Shouldn't I? Oh, the pain I've caused people, oh, I'm a bad person, I should feel ashamed." I felt this sneaking in, and I just stopped. I laughed out loud. HA-HA!! A fake, harsh, phony laugh. Then I went into the bathroom and I forced myself to look in the mirror and laugh out loud (a more challenging exercise than you might think). Then I started talking. I asked myself the hard questions: do I feel this shame? is this me? what do I have to be ashamed of? is God ashamed of me? And I forced myself to answer: I don't really feel this shame, I just feel like I should. This isn't me. I have nothing to be ashamed of - people were hurt, and I am grieved by that, but I am not ashamed. There is no shame in God, only Love, and Love drives out shame and fear. So then I started dancing. And laughing. And then I went for a walk. And the feeling of shame went away.

What I am learning from this: our true emotions are not the same as our conditioned reactions. I am sad, but I am not ashamed. I take ownership, but I do not take blame. I am happy, because I am joy, but I take no pleasure in the suffering of others. I have practical concerns, but I am not worried. I can hear all of those imprints from childhood: you should be ashamed of yourself, I blame you for this, how dare you laugh at a time like this, you better be worried. I want to cast those imprints off and build myself new.

My energy healer did a quick tune-up on me tonight (he has been so marvelous and patient and answered all my questions). I said I'm feeling so much better, I feel like I'm around 80-90% full-of-me! He laughed and said, well, looks more like about 65%. Which is a whole lot better than the 6% or so that I was a week ago! I'm excited - if this is what 65% feels like, wow! what must 100% be!?!?!?

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