Wednesday, March 18, 2009


When I lost my job and got started on this new adventure, one thing that my BF kept saying was "you need to learn how to take care of yourself!" I was, and am, very good at taking care of other people. I'm very interested in taking care of other people, taking care of business, etc., and less interested in taking care of myself. Who would notice?

But of course, taking care of myself is the same thing as taking care of others, because we are all the same. That doesn't mean taking care of myself at your expense - taking food or clothing or resources away from someone else so that I can have what I want doesn't thrill me, and that's why I choose to live as simply as I can.

But what I have been learning is this: until you KNOW that you are taken care of, it is very difficult to take care of yourself. At least, for me it is. Until I knew I had my financial support taken care of, it was difficult for me to relax into being able to take care of myself and do what was right for me. Knowing that I have that now, I am able to.

And I think that it goes back to who I was as a child. I was MONSTROUSLY independent. I was so confident that I was taken care of that I had total faith and confidence that I could absolutely take care of myself. I fed myself, I chose (and made) my own clothing, I would walk home from anywhere in town. I was so secure in the knowledge that my life was provided for. But then I got older and suddenly I had to take care of all of those security issues - I had to buy all of my own clothes, any other sort of amenities that I wanted - and I've had a job of some sort since I was 15 years old. Since then, my whole life has been sort of a race to get the money I need in order to survive so I can do the work I want. In college, my parents made a lot of sacrifices and they gave me a credit card that I maxed out - I had that lovely sense of ignorant bliss that you get for those few years of being in your early 20's - but I still worked for my daily needs, and I always felt like I was on the brink. I rode the whole housing bubble and economic expansion with a constant race for support and money. All I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of me so I wouldn't have to work so hard all the time.

And now I have that - for a moment, at least. It's not about traditional values, although I think there is some merit in having one spouse support the other (not that I have a spouse, mind you!). It's more about wanting and needing to feel that support from God. I am the person who has always wanted a grant so that I could do my creative work. And now I kind of have that, and it feels amazing. I feel so blessed. I'm doing my best not to feel like I have to rush out and "do something" with it.

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