Thursday, March 5, 2009

Life at 65%

When my energy healer told me I was operating at about 65% yesterday, my first reaction was "Wow! That's awesome! Just imagine how great 100% will feel, if this is how great 65% feels!!!" woo-hoo! I don't have any sort of "gee, I thought I was doing better than that. Shouldn't I be further along than that by now?" Trust me, I'm the person who has spent their whole life thinking they should have been further along than "wherever" I've happened to be. So feeling so incredibly happy and thankful at 65% is a really sweet surprise, a really great blessing.

And it's also a wonderful time for assessment. 65% is a vast improvement over 6%. And I can see it. My life has been full of metaphors and examples of how full of MySelf I have been (not from that egoic "full of myself" mental place, but truly energetically, how full of my own precious Self is my tank? How much of Me am I running on?).

Before this all happened, I was using about 6% of my house. I have a tiny, tiny house, and even so, I was only using 6% of it. I would come home, and curl up in my bed. I ate in my bed, slept in my bed, wrote in my bed. My bed was literally my little nest that contained everything I needed. I slept with my computer in my bed (if my boyfriend wasn't there) and with my phone in my bed. I would fall asleep at night holding my cell phone, and wouldn't let go of it all night, like a security blanket. I would wake up in the morning, and before even getting up to go to the toilet, I would open my computer and check my email. So even before I had started to care for myself during the day, I was caring for my business.

In my house, wherever things landed was where they would stay. I was veering dangerously towards the energetic pattern of the person who carves passageways out of stacks of paper, only for me it was stacks of clothes. When your spirit is being pushed out of your body, it takes more energy than you possess to create an appropriate living environment. Or, rather, your living environment becomes appropriate as a reflection of just how much you are actually occupying your Self.

As I started to fill up again, and started to re-inhabit my house, I started to discover all kinds of metaphors for how "out of it" I was. For example, I had bought quite literally hundreds of candles, and yet I did not own a single match. I love that. How accurate, how eye-opening! Hundreds of candles and no matches. I have spent hundreds of dollars on jewelry, some of them custom, hand-made pieces of art, heaped in a pile under miscellaneous clutter, sometimes even garbage. I had created a beautiful altar and yet hadn't consecrated the space around it enough to prevent both my boyfriend and myself from just dumping stuff in front of it. I have tiny closets, and most of my clothes are soft, knit things that benefit most from being folded, and yet I do not own a dresser and kept attempting to keep my wardrobe on hangers. I even had a sweater-sorter thing, one of those collapsible shelving things you hang from wardrobe rods, which I wasn't using and even had in my car to take to Goodwill! I could go on, but you get the picture. So many simple things I could do to actually inhabit my body and my house, so many details I had overlooked.

So I've made tremendous progress. Yesterday I organized my closets - always an obsession of mine; I even had a business for awhile helping people organize their own closets. I LOVE a gorgeous, organized closet, no matter what size. I brought the hanging shelf back inside, and lovingly folded all of my t-shirts and sweaters and arranged them by color. My closet is no bigger, but there is a place for all of my treasures to be displayed to their own best advantage, and it's a joy to look into. That simple step of reaffirming myself has gone a long way!!

My altar is now a sacred space. I took my computer out of my bed, and placed it so that as I am writing, I am sitting on my meditation cushion, on a rug. My altar is behind me. My books are to my right, and the blowing breeze through the open door is to my left. I have my music playing, and incense burning, and all of this is contained in a tiny nook of about 4'x6'. I very much like writing inside my meditation space. Since I have started writing here, I feel like the words I write have more strength, love, and light. It feels like an occupied, important space, not just a place to dump stuff.

I organized the bathroom last night, and rediscovered my jewelry. I put some of my favorite pieces on - pieces that were made for me or given to me by very important and beloved people. I feel their strength and love while I'm wearing them.

The bed is made, and I put all of my nesting things in a little basket, so I can still nest up if I like, but it's easy to take the stuff out of the bed and keep the bed for what it is here for - a place for rest and love.

I feel like I've made great progress here at 65%. There's still 35% more to be done to fully occupy the house. The kitchen is still untouched (it's so loaded. Energetically. Entering my kitchen to feed and nurture myself is a direct act of defiance towards the energies that have been draining me, a very clear statement of their lack of authority in my space, and ironic given my "other" identity as a raw food educator, writer, advocate and proponent!). A huge part of this energy battle in my body has been fought over my diet. Huge. That's another post altogether. Add it to the list! My car is still a mess. There is still scrubbing to be done. All of this will come together, slowly and gently. I am in no rush.

I would rather stay at 65% and create a strong imprint of 65% Self than to try and rush to 100% and not have the strength to maintain. These things take time. Healing is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel so good about my progress. I'm happy.

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