Monday, March 2, 2009

More apologies

I'm in such a maelstrom of confusion right now. Please bear with me.

First, I have to apologize, again, to anybody who may have been literally hurt by any of the posts that I put on this blog. I thought I was writing from a place of sharing ideas and my experiences, but instead, I was simply ranting - non-constructively, airing dirty laundry, setting fire to bridges, and using my blog to discuss people instead of ideas, to discuss ideas instead of God. This is how people got hurt in the first place.

I have been in a big delusion. I was under the impression that by writing incognito, I was disengaging from any sort of fray around my situation. What I realize now is that what I was actually doing was participating energetically, retaliating. I was looking for validation and reinforcement - I wanted all of the people who are supporting me to say how fantastic I am, to cheer me on, to tell me I'm great and "don't let the bastards get you down!" It's true. That's what I want from anybody and everybody who reads this blog. I figure you're here for some reason, it's got to be that you think I'm just AWESOME. And if you think I'm just awesome, then it doesn't matter what I say, I can just say it and no problems. But that's not what happens. Once again, I forgot that my blog - even a supposedly anonymous blog like this one - is not my journal. I don't leave my journal lying around for people to pick up. A journal is a place for catharsis and processing. Hopefully a blog is a place for something worthwhile to say.

I have been under the delusion that I was in non-resistance, going with the flow and being Peace in my situation. Sometimes, I was. Sometimes, I was not. Some of my posts (which have been deleted) were posts of war, written from a place of anger or outrage or fear, sadness, loneliness, emptiness. They were not from a place of Peace. They were not from the place of
seeing Love in all situations. They were from a place of wanting to be right and wanting validation. Other posts were written from a very good place, and I'm pleased with that work and will allow it to stand.

I am working very hard on seeing love, light, laughter and peace in all the situations around me. I forgot that when you open yourself to see peace, the Universe will hand you war. When you open to Love, you will be handed fear. Seek Light, be handed darkness. Seek Laughter, and be handed tears. This is how it goes. Because the trick is not to be in Peace when it's all peaceful and happy - I had a wonderful day yesterday and was so easily at peace, so this morning I got the opportunity to experience some loneliness and fear and insecurity. Thinking I was staying in peace, I wrote a post out of fear. And it got caught. By someone I love very very much, and who I had a moment of insecurity about. My fear, my insecurity, crowding out the peace in the situation I had stopped trying to see. I didn't stop trying to see it for long - only for a few moments - but that was enough. Enough to keep me in fear and insecurity all day, enough to hurt someone beloved to me. I have been so concerned about the opinions of these readers "out there" who I don't even know that I am putting at risk the very real relationships that I have here in front of me.

There's a quote, I don't know from who: mediocre minds talk of people, average minds talk of ideas, and great minds talk of God. The intention of this blog was to create a place of my spiritual journey - a place to talk of God. And instead I have used it to talk of people. Not always, but I am learning, painfully, slowly, that it takes constant vigilance and practice to stay in the light, love and laughter.

I faltered for a minute. I almost deleted the whole blog. There are too many of you who have encouraged me to take these steps and work along this path, via this forum and this medium. I am learning how to use it, and making terrible mistakes every once in awhile. I want to be great, not in your eyes, but in my defenselessness. I am disengaging completely from the fray, the energy of the blessed place behind me. I have stowed my wand in my cloak. No more writing about people, no more dirty laundry. This is about my journey, and only my own, and hopefully about ideas, and ideally about God.

I have a very clear instruction to find the laughter in this situation. It's kind of funny that I would slip so easily from love into worry on a day so beautiful and so full of blessings, like a little kid throwing a tantrum because his mom ate the swirl off the top of his DQ sundae! You've still got the whole bowl of ice cream, just maybe not the part that makes it so pretty.

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